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...
 : he is crayz! he lives in a truely insane, and yet beautiful world. i can be the weirdest of myselves with him and the most deranged version of my alters and feel safe and normal and above all *accepted* with him : and you .. you want me away from my crazy manic self, and my crazy people, and you want me normal, and neat, and, reasonable, and ... - but i love you. i want you for yourself. and i want you for who you are and not the stories you fit in... : love me? really? you always say that .. you think you love me but is this love or just an obsession? really? do you even know what is it in me that keeps you hanging? - you asked me that question a million times, but maybe it's you who should answer that ... is this thing with you two love or obsession? do you even know? because i know he would never love you the way i do ... he pictures you the way he wants, the images he creates are beautiful and tempting .. and you fall for those pictures .. those dreams are not about you, you are just filling his empty spaces. yes maybe he creates some crazy insane and beautiful imaginary world for you and maybe he can cut you from reality and paste you in his -or your- imaginarium. but know that i see you and love you and i appreciate you in reality -- in every happening moment. the real you, not the imaginary one. you are not a fantasy to me, you are real. you two are fantasies, but we two are real ... : yeah, you give me reality. as if all i need is reality. and how would you know all this? and how would you know i should pick reality over his imagination? you've never been there. why should i pick the cruelty of reality over the beauty of imagination and dreams? and how on earth could you say that the real me is lovelier than the unreal me? you can't see me cuz you can't take your eyes off what you see. do you have any idea how it feels to live in both worlds? to consciously cross the boundaries we weave over reality? i'm not sure if you'd even see me if i were to get naked in my dreams. - i don't know. oh no i don't know. i feel as if i don't know you anymore ... and it scares me. it scares me that as you go further away, as you become more distant and as you're falling and becoming more and more unreal, yet ... i love you even more. i know you are wrong. i just know it but yet i love you even more .. and i want you even more. i know this is not what i want but yet i want it more .. : can you see that? do you see what just happened? love is not about right or wrong .. or or what is real and what not .. dreaming yourself beyond reality is how you can discover and loose and then rediscover yourself. to have a meaning and to be meaningful .. - but love gives you the ultimate meaning ... you knew that .. i know u knew that .. if only you could get out of yourself, your twisted-bewitched-and-bewildered-self and listen to you denying love ... : maybe love is the ultimate meaning so long as you've never experienced it .. so long as it's the unreachable, so long as it's the dream .. : i know you can't understand but the thing we have is not love ... maybe it's just us taking advantage of each other to live in a better and maybe a more fulfilling world ... he gives me a meaning in the sweetest wicked possible way. you know that i always believed what we need in life is meaning. and love is just the easiest way or sweetest way or the most overrated way of getting there ... to be meaningful .. - i'm sitting here looking at you, and for the first time in my life i think i'm in love with something .. someone that i don't know .. : and to tell you the truth .. i think i, too, love you more than him. i just want him .. no, i need him ... more than you. as selfish as it may sound [they both stare at each other without saying a word. she puts her point finger on his lips, standing up and looking in his eyes. he's sitting moving his head back to stare at her standing in front of her] : i promise you this .. when i need love and reality more than sweet taste of life and more than a meaning to my being, i'll come back to you. for now, i'm going to stick with the unreal. because that's just me.  |
